


Melog, Best Cat in the Universe

by avulle



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Crack, Gen, JUST, Melog but stupid, it's just the things are stupid, original title was literally, so much crack, so that's what you're in for, technically a five things fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:20:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24516055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avulle/pseuds/avulle
Summary: Catra has a problem.People seem to think.People seem to think that Melog is like?Super smart?Or like.Barring that.Deep?And Catra’s not sure how to tell them that actually.Melog is a doofus.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Bow & Catra (She-Ra), Catra & Hordak (She-Ra), Catra & Melog (She-Ra), Catra/Glimmer (She-Ra)
Comments: 54
Kudos: 447





	Melog, Best Cat in the Universe

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t necessarily think this is true, but I do think it’s funny. (And I don't mean to make fun of people who write a Melog that isn't dumb.)
> 
> So I haven’t put Melog in any of my fics so far, and the reason for this was because like, we don’t have them talking in canon like at all, so I wasn’t sure how to make them stupid? And I have a congenital disorder that makes me unable to write any character that is not just super dumb. However, I realized! The lack of them talking in canon means I can make them as stupid as I want, in whatever ways I want
> 
> tw: the word slut (used in reference to Melog)

So.

Catra has a problem.

People seem to think.

People seem to think that Melog is like?

Super smart?

Or like.

Barring that.

Deep?

And Catra’s not sure how to tell them that actually.

Melog is a doofus.

And not like Adora is a doofus.

Like.

A mega doofus,if you will.

A super doofus.

Drop-dead stupid, how did you survive living by yourself for millennia, level of doofus.

And.

It's not like Catra does not love and appreciate Melog!

Catra loves Melog!

A lot!

She appreciates that Melog is like.

Always on her side.

Even when she really shouldn't be.

(And is also objectively the cutest cat in the universe.)

But.

But.

Melog is just.

So, so dumb.

Like, Catra does not know how this started. Did they look at Swift Wind and think.

Oh yeah.

Talking animals.

Always brilliant?

Like

Swift Wind opens his mouth and you're like.

Wow.

A talking horse.

Incredible.

What a talented horse.

What a smart horse, perhaps.

How smart  _ for a horse _ .

You know.

For being able to use words.

Words are hard, you know?

But like.

Nobody’s like 

Oh yeah.

Swift Wind, everything he's saying must be just.

So deep.

Adora, you should listen to Swift Wind more.

No.

Swift wind is dumb.

His opinions are also.

Dumb.

Don’t listen to Swift Wind.

Now.

Catra understands this may be hard to believe.

Cats are indeed, infinitely better and smarter than horses.

So maybe actually Melog is smart.

So.

Thing 1.

Melog meows a lot.

You might be thinking.

Oh yes.

Melog meows a lot.

But what are they saying?

No.

Melog meows a lot.

Like, for example, there was this one time Catra was hanging out with Adora.

Cuddling.

(They’re girlfriends look Catra is still not super okay with other people knowing she sometimes cuddles with other people)

And Melog climbed all up over them, lay right down on top of them, set their head right down next Adora’s and just meowed.

So, so loudly.

And Adora laughed, batting Melog’s face half-heartedly away as Melog did her best to headbutt Adora’s face, and once Adora’d given in and started taking her licks from the monster illusion cat who is still just meowing in the loudest voice they’ve got, she said—

“Is this you trying to tell me something?”

And a couple things.

One.

Catra and Melog may like share emotional states and have deep unconditional love for each other but they’re not the same entity!

Melog can do things that have no reflection on Catra’s internal mental state!

Sometimes, Melog sniffs their own butt!

Catra doesn’t want sniff her own butt!

Gross!

Although like in this case Catra had been wanting to say I love you without Adora saying it first and also engage in some non-sex kisses?

Like, soft kisses?

No tongue or groping just them holding each other real close and kissing?

Look, Catra still has intimacy problems sometimes okay.

But it’s the principal of the thing!

Melog is stupid.

Sometimes they do stupid things that have just no baring on what Catra wants.

This could have been an example of that!

Two.

Melog was just saying meow.

They were meowing.

They were emitting no words.

Just meows.

Adora didn’t believe her.

Of course.

Because she’s.

Super annoying.

And she like maybe might have rolled over onto Catra until Catra admitted that (regardless of what Melog was doing!) she wanted to say I love you.

And also kiss a little.

And then Adora smiled at Catra like she hung the fucking moon and they kissed for like half an hour and it was great but the point Catra wants to make here is!

Sometimes Melog just meows.

Sometimes Melog’s meow is just that.

A meow.

Thing 2.

Melog really, really likes food.

Like.

If you hear them meowing, and you look like you’ve got something in your pockets.

They think you’ve got food in your pockets.

Like, Catra and Melog were hanging out in one of the courtyards of the castle, like, not cuddling, because Catra doesn’t cuddle.

Just Melog lying on Catra’s legs while Catra scritched them under the chin.

Melog likes under chin scritches.

They regularly tell Catra to get Adora to give Catra under chin scritches.

Because, as previously mentioned.

Melog is dumb.

Anyways.

Bow came along, pockets like, full of something.

_ Is that food in his pockets _ , Melog asked.

_ He smells like food. _

_ I think that’s food in his pockets. _

“It’s not,” Catra tried to say but Melog is very stubborn, doesn’t listen to anyone (unlike  _ Catra _ , who is always very reasonable).

_ I’m pretty sure there’s food in his pockets. _

And bam, Melog was off of her lap and circling around Bow’s feet.

_ Is that food _ , they meowed, butting into his legs.

_ You should give it to me. _

_ I hunger. _

Catra sighed.

She walked over to Bow who was laughing and trying to pat Melog’s head as they circled him and butt their head into his pockets from all angles.

“Are you trying to tell me something?” he asked with a laugh.

Repeat.

Sometimes Melog sniffs their own butt.

Not all of their actions are because of some deep down secret desire of Catra’s.

Even though, like.

In this case, she’d kinda been missing Bow because he’d kept hiding away in some weird lab with Entrapta and she couldn’t go in because she still felt really bad about sending Entrapta to Beast Island even though Entrapta didn’t seem to really grasp that Catra had not meant it as a present but had actually been literally trying to kill Entrapta and at that point Catra had not yet a day with a sufficient number of mental spoons to sit Entrapta down to explain to her both that Catra had been trying to kill Entrapta when she sent her to Beast Island and also that she’s now really really sorry about it.

But!

Look!

Melog was still meowing about food!

This was clearly not some like.

Weird mystical connection they had

“Pfft, no. They just think you have food in your pockets.”

“Aww,” Bow said. “You’re so cute when you lie! You do your little ear back thing and your bushy tail thing and—“

Catra felt heat rise in her cheeks and her tail stick out behind her in outrage.

“Alright nice to see you bye come on Melog.”

_ No he’s got food I’m sure of it. _

_ Bow. _

_ Bow. _

_ Bow. _

_ Give me your food. _

Catra got like five steps away before she stopped.

“Aww, is this you being jealous about me spending all that time with Entrapta?”

Pfft, no.

It’s not like they’d had a running like, lunch date thing for like a month that he’d totally stood her up on.

She turned back to him and scowled.

He smiled, fishing the weird balls he’d had stuffed in his pockets and showing them to Melog.

“Melog, look they’re just bombs.”

_ I can eat that. _

“Melog no—“

Melog didn’t listen to her, but Bow successfully pulled the bombs away from Melog before they could do something stupid like eat them.

Melog growled.

“Aww, you are jealous!” 

She wasn’t.

He stuffed his…

Bombs…

Back into his pants, and jogged over to Catra’s side, setting his hand on her shoulder.

Stupid.

Stupid Bright Moon people and their stupid touching people thing

“I understand that you value me as a friend,” he said in his understanding voice, “but that doesn’t mean you can try and destroy something I made with someone else.”

“I’m not!” Catra protested. “Melog’s just dumb! They just wanted to eat it! They’re super dumb!”

“Catra,” he said. “Lying isn’t healthy,”

At Catra’s growl, he released her shoulder.

“Sorry, that was mean. Let’s talk about it over—“ he paused, mouth open. “Oh, I stood you up, I’m so sorry!”

Catra grumbled and turned away as Melog came over to Bow’s legs and danced happily around them, rubbing the full length of their body around his legs as they meowed.

_ We’re gonna go get food? _

_ When? _

_ Where? _

_ Feed me. _

“Awww.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Catra saw him scritching the top of Melog’s head.

Melog meowed some more.

_ I appreciate the scritches but really. _

_ I would prefer food. _

_ Bow. _

_ Bow. _

_ Feed me. _

“Your emotional translator is so cute!”

Catra’s tail lashes.

It just.

So happened!

That she was also kind of happy that Bow realized he stood her up.

And apologized!

At the same time Melog realized they could mooch food off of him!

As Bow has told her!

Even though she didn’t ask!

Correlation is not causation!

“Melog sniffs their own butt.”

“What?”

Bow stared quizzically at her.

Catra spun on her heel and stalked away as Melog continued to whore themself for scritches.

“Nothing let’s go eat. You owe me like four or five meals, by the way.”

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry,” he said, jogging to catch up with her. “I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

He swung an arm around her shoulders.

“After lunch, we can go out into the woods and test them,” he said. “I’ll give you the detonator. Have you ever blown anything up? I assume probably because like you were Horde leader or whatever but I assure you even if you’re not evil, it’s amazing.”

Melog made a happy noise, bounding up and jumping onto his shoulders and meowing in their loudest voice—

_ Free food! _

(You know, because there’s nothing to kill in Brightmoon.)

Bow laughed. “Does this mean you forgive me for standing you up?”

Melog purred.

_ I forgive you for not letting me eat your bombs. _

_ You have to give me your steak though. _

_ All of it. _

Bow laughed again.

And!

Like.

It was a coincidence that she actually did, you know, forgive him.

Like, she kinda already had, when he’d apologized?

But she really appreciated him coming up with this fun activity for them to do together.

She totally does like explosions.

Although to be real, who doesn’t.

But to be clear.

Melog’s actions.

They were because Melog is a food-whore.

Not because of some weird mystical connection.

So.

Thing 3.

Melog is not just a food-whore.

They are also a whore-whore.

Swift Wind isn’t a slut.

Catra doesn’t know why she got stuck with the slutty animal companion.

She wants a refund.

She definitely doesn’t want to trade though, Melog is infinitely better than Swift Wind.

Hot take:

Cats are better than horses.

Horses are lame.

(She can just never say this out loud to Adora because if Adora heard her say it Adora wouldn’t talk to her for like a week.)

But.

Back to the main point.

Melog’s a slut.

Like, a while ago, Catra was just hanging out (not cuddling) with Melog, and Hordak walked into the courtyard they’re in with Entrapta because they’re here for like some stupid policitcal thing and—

Bam!

Melog was rubbing their face against his weird exoskeleton thing and saying  _ Touch me, Hordak. _

_ I need your metal hands on my fur. _

_ Touch me. _

And then everyone looked at Catra like.

Huh.

So Catra uhh.

Wanted to be scritched by Hordak, huh?

Which.

No.

No…

Okay.

So look.

Adora had had her weird moment with Hordak.

When she like, magicked away Prime or whatever.

But Catra hadn’t had a weird moment with Hordak.

All she’d had was like.

A brutal fight in which they totally destroyed the freak zone.

And also a brief period of mutual respect.

Even though Catra had totally spent more time with Hordak than Adora!

Like, a year!

And look if Hordak is Adora’s weird horrible dysfunctional father figure he is also Catra’s weird horrible dysfunctional father figure.

Adora shouldn’t get special treatment because Hordak picked her up in the middle of a desert or whatever.

Adora wasn’t even a person then, that shouldn’t count.

And!

And!

Catra doesn’t want to be patted on the head by Hordak.

She just wanted to like.

Talk to him.

Sometimes.

Very infrequently!

Like!

Are he and Entrapta together-together?

They’re always together, he comes to the capital when she comes to the capital.

What the fuck is that?

Does Entrapta even do the together thing?

Is he okay?

He was kinda dying, kept alive only by his stupid exoskeleton.

She thought he got magically healed by the prime, but he’s wearing an exoskeleton again, does that mean he didn’t?

They could maybe also talk about getting mind controlled by the prime!

Catra doesn’t want to talk to like, princesses about that.

Gotta be ex-Horde to ex-Horde.

She might also want to hug him.

Like.

Exactly once.

No more.

Just the once.

And like.

Maybe.

Over the course of the week in which Hordak had been there.

They had like.

Had a couple chats.

Not because Melog was sluttin’ it up!

But for other reasons.

You know.

Just two pals.

Hanging.

Anyways he and Entrapta are together but it’s complicated he’s fine he just likes exoskeletons and he didn’t even like register he was being mind-controlled by Prime because he’d thought that was normal and they hugged and it was hard and metallic and horrible and they maybe do it like once every six months when he comes to the capital now.

But!

To be clear.

This is not thanks to Melog.

Melog just went around.

Wiping themselves on everyone.

And just so happened to wipe themself on Hordak!

And then Catra just happened to after that happened!

Interact with Hordak!

Again!

(While Melog was once again wiping themself all over Hordak.)

Point is, Melog’s a slut.

Anyways.

Thing 4.

Melog is not just a slut.

They also want Catra to follow in their slutty ways.

They’re always like.

_ Hey Catra _ .

_ That person’s pretty hot. _

_ You should kiss them. _

Example.

So Catra was hanging out Glimmer, like, alone in Glimmer’s room.

Watching some Runeflix.

Very innocent.

Watching Killing Detecteve.

Cuddling like.

A little.

Classic friend stuff.

(Not that Catra wanted to cuddle Glimmer wanted to cuddle.)

(Catra was being an understanding friend.)

(What was she supposed to do, say no?)

(How soft and warm and pretty Glimmer is at all times is not at all relevant.)

But then Melog came back and immediately jumped on Glimmer’s shoulders.

Curled all around them.

Made eye contact with Catra.

_ You should kiss her _ , Melog suggested.

_ Do it. _

_ She tastes good. _

_ I promise. _

Melog demonstrated this by licking at Glimmer’s cheek as she squealed and pushed Melog’s face away.

“Catra,” she said, “what is your emotional translator trying to say?”

Stupid Bow.

He was the source of this stupid Emotional Translator meme.

“Uh.”

Catra hesitated.

“They’re uh.” She glanced away. “Hungry.”

_ I’m not. _

_ Adora fed me. _

_ Kiss her. _

_ Do it. _

_ Look at how cute she is. _

Melog was still licking at Glimmer’s face and causing her to squirm away and that sort of incidentally dropped her into Catra’s lap.

Giggling.

Melog was now standing on her chest, still trying to lick her face.

“You can’t fool me with that one,” Glimmer said, now successfully keeping Melog from licking her face, which only caused Melog to start licking her hands instead. “Their tongue is so rough oh my gods is your tongue like this?”

Pft.

No.

Pfft.

“Is this you trying to tell me you want to kiss—“ their eyes met, and the laugh on her face died as she colored “—me?”

Look.

Look.

Glimmer’s really soft okay?

Adora is like, muscly and bony.

Not that Catra doesn’t like her super buff girlfriend!

Not that she doesn’t like the super buffness of her girlfriend!

She does!

Glimmer is just very soft.

Very pretty.

Very cute.

Also, like, sometimes a huge dick.

What.

Catra doesn’t need your judgement.

So like, sure.

She’d had some thoughts.

And maybe.

Maybe!

Maybe Catra had actually wanted to kiss Glimmer.

Maybe she’d even had a conversation with Adora about it the previous night.

Maybe she’d even planned this little Runeflix party so that she and Glimmer could cuddle.

And then chat.

And then maybe kiss a little.

(Maybe!)

Maybe she’d even got Adora to pay attention to Melog, exactly to avoid this kind of nonsense, although Adora had clearly failed her.

Point is.

Melog is dumb.

This was not because of some.

Psychic connection.

“Haha of course not you have Adora who’s super hot and—“

She did her scrunch face thing she does before she’s about to teleport and also when she’s about to cry and Catra (very coolly! very calmly!) scrambled and grabbed onto Glimmer.

Glimmer stopped, and looked up at Catra.

“I just want to make one thing clear,” Catra said, not looking at Glimmer as Melog meowed out  _ Kiss the Girl _ because Catra never should have showed them all of those stupid animated musicals on Runeflix. “If I do want to kiss you! And I’m not saying I do!”  _ Yet _ she muttered under her breath. “Melog is not channeling me! Sometimes Melog sniffs their own butt!”

Glimmer’s eyes were wide as saucers as they bored up at Catra, ignoring the cat licking at her face.

“Sniffs their own butt, got it, and?”

Catra made a strangled noise.

“Maybe? Maybe I wanna like, try it? You know—“ Catra’s voice dropped to a whisper “—once or twice? … if you want?”

Glimmer was frozen in her lap and oh god she fucked everything up and—

“Once or twice, got it.”

Glimmer grabbed Melog’s face in both of her hands.

“Melog I love you and you’re super cute but right now I really need you to  _ fuck off _ .”

She vanished in a puff of glitter, and then while Catra was still in shock from the sheer destructive force of Glimmer saying fuck, reappeared and dropped herself directly into Catra’s lap.

Except like.

Not lengthwise, like before.

Just like.

Super sitting in Catra’s lap.

Facing Catra.

Glimmer was blushing high in her cheeks.

“Once or twice, right?” She said, voice high and eager.

Catra nodded, and then they were kissing.

It was super great.

Glimmer pulled away, ”Three times?”

Catra nodded again, and then they kissed a lot more than just one more time.

“Wait what about Bow?” Catra asked, when she could finally think though all of the Glimmer all over her.

Catra is a good friend.

Before she makes out with a friend who is also the significant other of another friend, she checks to make sure that everything’s on the up and—

Glimmer kissed her again and it’s heady and sweet and who gives a shit anyways—

“He wants to watch.”

Catra made a face.

“Yeah, I thought so. He’s also cool with it, though.”

So!

Catra got a little sidetracked!

Because you know.

Glimmer.

(Have you seen Glimmer?)

(Have you kissed Glimmer?)

(That’s what Catra fucking thought.)

But.

Point is.

Melog is not just a slut.

They also proselytize.

For slut-itude.

Finally!

Thing 5!

So.

You know how Melog really loves Catra?

Like, they’re always together for a reason.

Melog gets lonely without Catra.

(Unlike Catra.)

(Who definitely doesn’t get lonely without Melog.)

(Psh.)

You’re probably thinking.

Of course, I would also get lonely if no one understood the thing so said.

No.

Catra is not entirely certain that Melog understands that nobody but her can understand them.

Furthermore.

Sometimes Catra wakes up and Melog is just sleeping on her chest purring and meowing

_ I love you. _

_ I love you. _

_ I love you. _

_ I love you. _

Just over and over again.

Until Catra wakes up and pays attention to them.

And you might think.

But this is an uncommon occurrence, right?

Nope.

If Adora has already fed them.

Literally always.

Every morning.

Also!

Sometimes they’re just hanging.

(Not cuddling.)

(See: Catra doesn’t cuddle.)

And Melog just crawls their whole enormous self onto Catra’s shoulders and mrrs into her ear.

_ I love you. _

_ You’re great. _

_ I love you a lot. _

It kinda feels like Cats is bragging?

Like.

Swift wind doesn’t tell Adora he loves her all the time.

Catra’s totally winning the who had a better animal companion war that Adora doesn’t know they’re having.

Which isn’t important.

What’s important is that Catra is winning.

So.

In summary.

Melog is just.

Super dumb.

Catra would really appreciate it if people would stop being like “what great wisdom is your adorable better-than-Swift-Wind animal companion imparting to you “ (Catra might be paraphrasing).

Because Melog is saying like.

One of five things:

Literally just meowing.

_ Think they’ve got food in their pockets? I think they do. I’m gonna go get them to give me their food. _

_ I love you. _

_ They look cute, you should kiss them. _

And

_ If I went and rubbed myself against their leg, think they’d pet me? _

That’s it!

Melog is dumb as a bag of hammers.

(Although, to be clear.)

(If you call Melog stupid.)

(Catra will rip your fucking face off.)

(Only Catra gets to call Melog stupid.)

(No one else.)

(Mess with Catra’s illusion-y monster cat and fucking die.)

They’re just a talking cat.

(I mean not  _ just  _ just.)

(They’re like, the greatest cat in the entire universe and they can turn the both of them invisible and Catra loves them just so so much.)

**Author's Note:**

> I blame the Glitra in this fic on [this](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1755943). Glimmer and Catra were just supposed to be hanging out! Like Catra and Bow were hanging out! Not kissing! But then I was like. ...but what if they kiss, though. And that was because of that fic, it's not my fault.


End file.
